Keep on keepin’ on

There used to be this popular poster when I was in middle & high school (back in the Misty 70s & New Wave 80s) that pictured a kitten hanging on to a knot at the end of a rope that said “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!”

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Anywho, that’s how I’ve been feeling lately; like I’m at the end of my rope, and I’m hanging on for dear life. Let’s just call it a plot twist and say it’s done, shall we?

More at 11/10 central…lol, TV joke!

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I’m Stef and this it’s where it’s @ !~

I feel awful today

Is this what my life is to become? A series of good days & bad days?

Didn’t sleep well last night, have a headache today that Tylenol can’t touch, my legs are sore for no reason I can think of.

Then all the stuff that’s wrong with me (spleen, intestines, stomach, etc.) gets into the act and adds up to one miserable Stef. I know I can no longer ignore this, but until my insurance kicks in, I can’t pay for it.

Five weeks ago, I was fine. Then I went to the hospital and found out all this stuff wrong with me and now I feel like crap every day.

Ignorance is bliss?

The mind is a very powerful thing.

The losing weight thing I love! I’ve managed to lose 75 lbs. My hips are 15 inches smaller than they were 2 years ago. My clothes literally hang off me. But it was a symptom of a larger problem. A problem I hope to solve before my next birthday, if not sooner.

For me, 50 sucks.

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I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

It’s good to be bad?

Why are we as a culture rewarding bad behavior by celebrities? Because bad press is better than no press?

Chris Brown
Rob Ford (the mayor of Toronto)
Justin Bieber
Lindsay Lohan

…ad infinitem (I think that’s right. If not then so on and so on)

The only time we hear about these people is when they’re behaving badly. Or being stupid. Or (fill in the blank with a negative).

My parents always told us that you get more flies with honey than with vinegar, so I ask you: is being good, law abiding, decent now a bad thing? Does one have misbehave to get anywhere in life? Because you know that if any of us non famous people did anything close to what celebrities do our asses would be in jail/rehab/the ground. If we can’t get away with it, why should they?

Because they’re famous and we like seeing them fall on their faces? Are we THAT shallow?

I have to keep track of that for any job I have. They call it “pop culture”.

We need more Paul Walkers/Jared Letos/Bonos and fewer Justin Biebers/Chris Browns and those of that ilk.

Is that to much to ask?

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I’m Stef, and this is where it’s @ !~

The bill for the hospital stay arrived today and…

I can’t afford it without help.

A month ago, this little journey began, and I’m not really any closer to having answers as to why I ended up in the hospital than I was then.

Okay, I’m officially freaked out!

I’m still trying to get insurance to pay at least part of this, but it’s slow going. Obamacare is a nightmare, but I have to have something in place by the end of the month.

And it’s not like it’s the only bill I have to pay…remember that little thing called student loans? Yeah. This is going to be hard.

I need a job, a sugar daddy, something to get these things requiring money I don’t have under control.

Because you know damn sure no ones going to be bailing me out with a quick infusion of cash.

Gotta keep on keeping on.

And what, exactly, is so wrong about universal health care? It works for the rest of the world…

It makes moving to Australia, or Canada, or Germany almost tempting.

But that another post for another day.

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I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

Well, I have SOME answers

It was off to OKC to see the hematologist last Wednesday (2/19/14), and I got some good news: the bone marrow biopsy I had in the hospital was negative, so I don’t have leukemia or lymphoma or any blood-based cancers. However, the “fatty” liver, enlarged spleen and gastrointestinal bleeding is something I can no longer ignore. One or all of those may be responsible for the low blood levels I’ve been experiencing. I had more blood drawn today, and my levels are slowly inching up in the right direction.

I still have to go see the gastroenterologist on March 6th, then back to the hematologist on April 2nd.

Thank you, life, for making 50 not so nifty. It can only get better from here, right?

Right?

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I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

Enlarged spleen, gastrointestinal bleeding and this

Pancytopenia.

A fancy medical term meaning the extremely low blood counts (red and white blood cells, and platelets) I was diagnosed with in the hospital last week, in addition to the enlarged spleen and gastrointestinal bleeding.

The more I read about this, the more freaked out I get.

I’ll know more on Wednesday. It will be the longest two days of my life!

 

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I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

I don’t do this waiting thing well any more

And waiting leads to thinking, which leads to overthinking, which leads to panic in this case.

I was discharged from the hospital on Feb. 13th, and have follow up appointments on Feb. 19 and March 6.

It’s the February appointment that concerns me, because that one is with the hematologist. The blood doctor. Because all 3 of my blood levels are seriously low.

That, on its own, scares me enough because it usually leads to more serious illnesses. And I hope that’s not the case, but I’ll be prepared for it anyway.

Why can’t I have my old life back?

I wonder if not having found a radio job out of state yet was/is God’s way of telling me I was going to experience this and to stay close to family for support. We will soon find out.

Oh, and by the way, healthcare.gov is a joke. But more on that later.

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I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~