Fighting for everything…

Sometimes, I feel like I have to fight for every freakin’ thing in life.

There’s this saying: whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. To which I usually add: If that’s true, I should be freakin’ Hercules by now.

I fought for years to get out from under my ex husband’s shadow. He wanted things his way or no way. His way meant I had to do what he wanted. By the time he asked me 12 years ago why I didn’t feel the same way for him at 35 that I did when I met him at 15, I was ready to reclaim my life and live it as I saw fit.

I’ve fought for every damn dollar I’ve made, every grade I’ve gotten in college, every little negligible thing. I’m tired of fighting for everything, but I soldier on anyway, because no one else will do it for me. It’s up to me.

I have less than $10 in the bank. So it’s up to me to get money somehow. I haven’t gotten to the point of going back to fast food to make ends meet, but it’s getting there quicker than I’d like.

I’m 47 years old… standing on my feet for eight hours a day doesn’t thrill me in the least. I thought I’d be better off than this at my age.

All of a sudden, getting a job and keeping it for more than three months is more important to me than going back to school in August.

Faith is all I have. I sometimes wonder if that’s enough.

Oh… and for those of you who have nothing better to do but bitch and moan at me for my predicament, keep this in mind: I work damn hard for everything I have, be it grades or the basic necessities in life. I’ve been looking for work since January. It’s not for a lack of trying, it’s the economy. Prices keep going up and my disposable income keeps decreasing. So before you chastise me for not doing something about my situation, I AM doing something about it. I’m either online trying to find work, or literally pounding the pavement doing the same. So keep your self righteous attitudes to yourself. YOU probably have a job. I don’t and I desperately need one.

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I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

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