I…have issues

So do you, but hear me out.

I was watching TV  this afternoon, and I realized that a lot of what my life consists of are the issues I’ve had throughout my adult life. In order to be the best me I can possibly be, I have to come to terms with what those issues are. It’s not just about my weight (though that is an issue everyone can see). There are other  things that one cannot readily see unless you know me really, really well; things that I have not been ready to deal with until now.

This isn’t related to the fact that I’ll be 50 in February, but if that’s what you want to believe, who am I to stand in your way?

So, as I was saying…

I have issues.  Some go back to my teen years, my early adult years, and even the ten years preceeding this moment in time. And I realize that I have to deal with them in my own time and in my own way. I have to stop blaming those things on how my life is turning out as I approach that big birthday.

Bad marriage? Yeah, there’s that. I’ve always maintained that I have taken 50 percent of the blame. No more, no less. I refuse to shoulder ALL the blame for how that turned out. He can tell himself all those fairy tales to make himself feel better til the sun burns out, but he, too, has to come to terms that a lot of his behavior doomed the marriage almost from the git go. And, to his credit, he has, to a point. He’s asked for forgiveness, but he’ll have to earn it. Some of the things that happened in the marriage are unforgivable, and I’m not just going to hand out forgiveness just because he asked for it. I told him in no uncertain terms that we (me and our sons) know his word is worthless. He can promise to change, but we stopped listening a long time ago.

Trust issues? You betcha. People constantly betrayed my trust for various reasons, most of the time for their own benefit. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, and taken advantage of so many times that I’m truly surprised I’m still sane. So, if I seem hesitant to trust you at first glance, please know where I’m coming from. I’m a little gunshy. My bullshit meter is on high alert, so you better hope and pray I don’t catch you in a lie. I’m a big girl… I can handle the truth.

Body image issues? Okay, I’ll cop to that one. I’ve been overweight my entire adult life. I’ve probably lost potential friends or potential jobs because of it. Truth be told, I’m happy with who I am for the most part. Yes, the weight thing I can fix, but on my terms. But to have you judge me out of hand solely on the way I look? I think it’s YOU who has the real problem, not me. If I lost all this weight (and admittedly, at nearly 50, it’ll be hard to do), and then you want to be my friend/lover/what-have-you, don’t be surprised if I view you with a jaundiced eye. If you couldn’t accept me before, what does losing a few pounds matter? I’m still the same Stef. Wouldn’t it be better if you GOT TO KNOW ME first, then decide? You might like what you see/hear/feel, etc. Sometimes, the book is better than the cover suggests.

All in all, I LIKE ME. If you don’t, or can’t for whatever twisted reasons you may have…well then. It’s your loss and not mine.

I’ve taken the time to examine myself, to look really deep inside my soul and decide that what other people think about me, ESPECIALLY if they haven’t taken the time to get to really know me on a real level, doesn’t matter as much anymore; but I’m no longer going to let it rent space in my head. I’m looking toward the awesome future I have, and not dwelling on the past. The past is going to remain where it is… in the past.   

Now, about your issues– you have them, but you might not realize you have them. That’s for you to decide, then for you to deal with (or not deal with) them as you see fit. It’s not up to me to point out your flaws, foibles, or shortcomings. That’s all on you.

To thine own self be true.


I’m Stef, and this is where it’s @ !~


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