Ah, yes…

Those pesky missed opportunities.

They’re have been so many of those. 

Look, I’ll be happy if we have lunch. Anything after that is icing on the cake.

It’s not gonna happen.

Update: 5/19/17

It’s not happening. I can say that for certain right now. It won’t happen because the other party doesn’t want it to.

I’ll be very surprised if it does. But it won’t. They don’t want it badly enough. 

My question is, why do I keep doing this to myself? Shouldn’t I just find someone who really wants to be with me? 

What’s wrong with me? Is it my fault, or is it a flaw in his personality? Neither one of us is perfect, but I do wish he’d stop yanking my chain. 

Maybe I’ll have to change locations to find that someone who wants to be with me; who would move heaven and Earth to be with me. I can’t stay in this uncertainty indefinitely​. It’ll drive me insane.

And I like my sanity, #thankyouverymuch.

Self preservation. That’s what it boils down to. Advance or retreat. Maybe now is the time to fold my tent and steal off into the night. 

I have nothing left to lose. 

Chris Cornell 1964-2017

An iconic voice has been silenced, apparently by his own hand. We still have recordings to remember his greatness by.

Rest in power, Chris. Thanks for the gift of your music. 


I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

This is getting old

On April 24th, yours truly was hospitalized.


For the same damn issue.

This crap is getting old and tiresome. I wish they would figure out what’s going on with the fluid that backs up into the pleural sac around my right lung and fix it. Telling me it will recur, despite the fact I’m taking diuretics, doesn’t cut it any more. I want answers, dammit.

And I had to reschedule my May 1st appointment at Nazih Zudhi because I couldn’t get a hold of anyone to take me up there. The new appointment is June 5th. I hope to God I don’t have to make a return trip to the hospital between now and then. 

That would suck.


I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

Weird dreams

I don’t know what it is about my dreams lately, but they are some of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had.

There are people in them I haven’t seen or heard from in ages, or people from different parts of my life who would never meet in real life, or people I know that have gone on to their eternal rest (my parents, a few friends, etc.)…

And the scenarios are just as bizarre. A back room of some bar that you can pay to be placed in a “womb pillow”; a house I’ve never lived in or visited; out in the middle of nowhere, without a stitch of clothing on. 

Or flying without a plane. 

I could blame it on my meds, but I don’t think that’s it. The only time I’ve had drug induced dreams is when I’ve taken NyQuil, morphine or diualid (I’m not sure of the spelling of that though). 

*sigh* Just another weird quirk of my personality, I guess. I could write a book!


I’m Stef and this where it’s @ !~

It’s just a strain…

Managed to strain a chest muscle. How? By reaching into the back a desk drawer to get out the bottle stuck there keeping the drawer from closing properly. 

And yes, it hurts.

Ended up at the acute care clinic, who ascertained that I didn’t have a cracked rib (because I heard something go pop), but I seriously stained the muscle. I was given scripts for naprosyn (prescription strength Aleve) for the pain and a muscle relaxer. Both make me sleepy so I’m getting some good sleep and having some bizarre dreams. 

And I actually got out and got all my errands done today. 

This has got to stop. I’m tired of being sick or doing something to another part of my body. I’m exhausted! 

This growing old business is for the birds! I wanna be 25 again! Since that not going to happen, I guess I’ll just have to accept that I’m getting older. 



I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

My own personal ring on Dante’s inferno

On Monday (3/6/17), I went back to the ER because I still couldn’t breathe and was dizzy on top of it all. 

They did all kinds of tests to figure out what was wrong. 

Six hours later, I was sent home with prescriptions for even more meds that don’t work, and a diagnosis of vertigo and pneumonia. Apparently, I never had bronchitis. 

I’ve slept really good the last couple of nights. Why is it that I get my best sleep when I’m sick? 

If I have to make any more trips to the ER, I may as well just move in. This is ridiculous!

Good news out of all this is that I’ve lost 15 lbs. But when you have no appetite to speak of, I guess that’s a given.

This crap has been going on about six weeks too long. 

It’s 11pm. I’m going to bed. Good night. 😴💤💤💤


I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

Another trip to the “health spa”

Welp, the pleural effusion got a whole lot worse. And I don’t think I ever had bronchitis because I just didn’t feel bad enough (and I had it a lot as a kid, so I’d know). I just couldn’t effin breathe!

So of to the ER, again, to explain my sad tale of woe: came on Feb. 13, diagnosed with bronchitis and sent home with a bunch of prescriptions that essentially did nothing. I can’t breathe. 

So many tests later, my right lung is surrounded by fluid, my platelets are ridiculously low, and I’m admitted to the hospital. Where they can’t decide whether to keep me in Edmond or send me to Baptist in OKC. I said I’d go to Baptist, but was kept in Edmond instead. 

So I’m given oxygen to keep my brain from frying from not getting enough, and all I want to do is sleep. Of course, no sleep was to be had the first night. 

Then I was told that someone from Baptist was coming to do the thoracentesis (the removal of the fluid from around my lung), but no set time table as to when they’d be there. All I know is that if they’re coming, I was to get a platelet transfusion because the one from the night before lasted all of 30 minutes, leaving my platelet count lower than when I was admitted. 

When I had this condition two years ago, the thoracentesis was a relatively painless procedure. This time, though, I was on my own personal ring on Dante’s inferno. It hurt like hell, and even now 4 days later, is still sore. I had to have morphine for the pain, which totally knocked me out. 

Now, I feel like I’m coming down with something and I’m dizzy to the point of passing out. Plus, I’m still having trouble breathing, just not as bad as it had been. I went out yesterday, which was a big mistake because it only made me feel worse. 

Those people at Integris are going to be so sick of me… they probably already are. 


I’m Stef, and this is where it’s @ !~