I feel like 💩.

Just catch whatever already and get it over with!

You know, just eating makes me nauseated. I wonder every day of I’m going to toss my lunch and/or a pint of blood in public. There are many, many times I’ve gotten off the bus, or run into a store’s restroom, because I felt like I was going to throw up. Then nothing happens. 

The very idea that I might vomit blood in public makes me ill. People would absolutely freak out if they witnessed that. EMSA would be there so fast it’d make your head spin Exorcist-style. 

And yes, I have discussed this with my doctors at Nazih Zudhi. I’m just afraid I be proven right one day and end up in the hospital with some serious complication of my liver disease…like gallstones and pancreatitis wasn’t bad enough. I don’t even want to think what those complications might be, short of a transplant. Yet it’s all I think about.

I can’t quit eating. You kinda need to do that (and I found out the hard way what happens when you’re malnourished) to stay healthy. 

So for now, I follow the low sodium plan as best I can. I get as much exercise as I can tolerate. I drink enough water to drown a horse. 

I’ve gained weight from my low of 215 lbs.(And yes, I know that’s still heavy, but it’s better than the 380 lbs I started out at). I’ve officially entered menopause, so maybe it’s time to look into natural hormone replacement therapy (because I’m not taking Premarin. I take too many meds already). Maybe BHRT is something to look into. I know my eating habits aren’t the greatest, but I don’t think it’s because of that. 

I’d like to have more good days than bleh days for a change. 


I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

Dear Self:

Please catch whatever it is you’re trying to catch and get it over with already!

Still not feeling up to snuff… I’m itchy, my eyes hurt, my headache comes and goes like my head is a revolving door, I’m tired, achy, crampy, and generally feel like crud. 

And the stores have Christmas stuff up, which for some reason annoys the hell out of me. 

(Wow, talk about your non sequiturs!)

Anyway, I’m going to try, once again to get some sleep. It’s nearly 3:30am. 


I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~

Post Thanksgiving bleh…

Actually, it happened before Thanksgiving (like the night before). 

I went to the ER. Again. 

I was feeling a lot of pain in the same place I did when I had gallstones and pancreatitis last January, and it didn’t go away on its own. So I had Daniel (who hasn’t been feeling well himself this week) take me to the ER.

Where they didn’t find anything extraordinary to warrant a hospital stay. The only thing that they could’ve done was to remove my gallbladder, and after reading my chart, they knew my liver doc didn’t recommend it (and the 65% chance I could die after the surgery).

So they sent me home with prescriptions for pain and nausea, and to eat a bland diet (kind of difficult on Thanksgiving). 

Thanksgiving itself was kind of low key; Scott and Marc had to work and Daniel was sick (though he came over to my sister’s later because he was hungry). Dean’s parents weren’t there because his dad was in the hospital recovering from surgery. Didn’t get a whole lot of leftovers. I’m thinking of getting a turkey breast and roasting it for the three of us who live here after I get paid on the 30th. 

Right now, I’m feeling somewhat better, but I’m tired. My eyes hurt and light bothers me. And Pazzo dug his back claws into my arm trying to cuddle. He doesn’t realize he’s not as small as Salem. 

So that was my Thanksgiving. No Black Friday bs, no way to get anywhere even I if I had money to spend. Haven’t even left the house today. Might do something tomorrow as my friend Cynthia and her family are coming thru Oklahoma on their way home to Dallas from visiting her brother in Denver. We’ll see what happens with that.

I’m going to snooze for a bit, I think.

I’m Stef, and this is where it’s @ !~

A Nation of Special Snowflakes? Eff that!

I’ve been reading these stories about college students who are so upset by the results of the election, that professors are allowing these kids to not take exams.

How effing stupid is this? 

So sorry that the election didn’t work out in your favor, but to be big crybabies about it? This is real life, sunshine. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. 

Like it or not, Donald Trump will be our president come January 20. I don’t like it, but that’s something we’ll ALL have to deal with. 

So, go take your damn exams and act like grown ups, instead of little babies. The world does NOT revolve around you. This is the real. fucking. world, and the sooner you figure that out, the better off you’ll be. 

And to those profs allowing this behavior and cancelling exams, SHAME ON YOU! I highly suggest you get out of higher education and go back to teaching kindergarten. You’re a disgrace to the institutions who employ you. SHAME, SHAME on you!


I’m Stef, this is my 2¢, and this is where it’s @ !~

President Trump?!

It’s true. Donald Trump will become the 45th President of the United States.

This is going to take some getting used to. 

First question was, “What have we done?” 

I don’t like it, and I didn’t vote for him, but he got elected anyway. Not that Hillary Clinton was any better, in my opinion. I didn’t cast my vote for her either. 

Given everything Trump said during the campaign, I truly fear for my country. Will he do all those things; build a wall, deport people based on religion, repeal Obamacare (and have nothing better or comparable to replace it)…? What happens if someone doesn’t agree with him? Do they go to prison? An internment camp? Get water boarded?

These may be baseless fears, but right now, it’s all a lot of people are thinking about, even if they never express those thoughts out loud. 

And what will happen to me, with my current medical problems, if he manages to get the Affordable Care Act repealed and has nothing to replace it with? If I cannot afford health insurance, would the new president’s signature be, in effect, signing my death certificate? 

Again, this may be a baseless fear, but it’s my life here! I have to be concerned about that. No one else will be concerned about it… it’s all on me.

Time for the US to consider universal healthcare?

What about the rights of the LGBT community? People of color? Women? Immigrants? Those who practice religions that are not Christian? Native Americans? What about their rights? Will the marriage equality act be struck down? 

If Trump really wants to unite all Americans, he can’t pick and choose which ones he’ll unite. He either serves all of the people, or none of the people.

Time will tell, and until then, if he comes up with some ridiculous and unconstitutional plan to malign certain segments of the population…point me in the direction the nearest protest. 

After all, it’s my country, and I’ll fight for her the in the streets of need be. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

And maybe I’ll go talk to someone knows more about this than I do. I’ve spent nearly 53 years going with the flow. Maybe it’s time for me to go against it.

Silence is consent, and I refuse be silent.


I’m Stef, and this is where it’s @ !~

Train travel and the Art of Dying show in Flint

My friend, Tamara, lives in Michigan about an hour outside of Flint. This past June, a venue there called the Machine Shop announced an October 21 show with the Canadian hard rock band Art of Dying, and special guests Letters From the Fire and Children 18:3. I mused in a post about the show that I’d never had the chance to see Art of Dying live. Tamara said something to the effect of, why don’t you come up and check out the show? I decided that with a little planning and saving money, I could swing it. So I made travel and lodging arrangements, bought a ticket to the show, and started saving money. 

Remember, this was late June, early July. I was still saving money for the Disturbed show in August. 

After the Disturbed show, my ankles swelled, and I thought was from standing for practically the entire show. The fact that I had taken the train to Dallas didn’t even cross my mind. 

Realizing later that the short train ride to Dallas may have contributed to the swelling, I looked into purchasing compression socks, knowing in October, I’d be on trains for a day and a half. Each way.

October arrived and the compression socks were a dismal failure, because my legs, ankles and feet all swelled anyway. And I hadn’t even been the concert yet!

The compression socks did nothing for the swelling during the show. In fact, it got worse. I still had a 34 hour train journey to get home. 

By the time I got back to Oklahoma City, I was feeling like crud and physically exhausted. I slept most of Monday (10/24/16) away on the couch with my feet propped up on the arm. By this morning, a lot of the swelling had gone down. 

If there is a next time for a long distance train trip, there are some things I’d do differently–

  1. Get a sleeper berth
  2. Pack a blanket and a pillow
  3. Pack heathier snacks
  4. Travel with someone else
  5. Bring more spending money, because snacks on the train are expensive

The toll that train travel has on my body is a major deterrent from ever doing it again, at least long distance. I can handle the 4 hour trip on the Heartland Flyer (OKC to Fort Worth). Anything longer than that, and I’m a mess. 

That is what I learned from a trip to see one of my favorite bands. 

Wise words

Lzzy Hale, of the band Halestorm, keeps  a blog on Tumblr. I found this recent post of hers quite profound.
I’m old enough to be her mother, but I dig her music. And her wise words.

Her post starts out with this:

Let’s start with the fact that It doesn’t matter what race you are, what your sexual preference or orientation is, what gender you are, what age you are, what social status you hold, or how much you make a year. We are all equal. We are all humans.

I see and feel this notion at the Rock Show. Here, people of all walks of life, put aside their petty differences for the common joy of music. People meet and become friends who in the outside world, would normally never run in the same circles. It’s a phenomenon that is truly an amazing and inspirational thing to be a part of! 

Pretty amazing stuff, isn’t it? She continued to make points about being yourself; the current state of, ahem, politics, without mentioning names.

Wise words, indeed.


I’m Stef and this is where it’s @ !~