My new reality (or, I hate change?)

Liver disease and a crap ton of meds to take to keep me out of the hospital…not to mention the mounting medical bills.

Student loans I can’t pay.

Too sick to work (though I’m still looking for work).

Feeling useless, dependent, and angry (mostly at myself).

Feeling like no one understands what I’m going through. Just once, I wish that someone would invite me to lunch- or even to just hang out. My sons don’t really want to hear me complain about stuff. Someone who will just let me talk their ears off (because Lord knows I’ve done that for lots of people throughout my life).

And, Mom’s house has been sold and is currently in escrow. Friday night, I saw it all fixed up with all kinds of new stuff. It made me sad…Mom would have loved all the improvements! And, I’m sad that it was the last time I’ll be in that house, ever.

But, life goes on. Such as it is.

*sigh*

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I’m Stef, and this is where it’s @ !~

#whereitsat

gofundme

Return of Daniel’s Cobalt, cold weather coming, and other mindless pursuits…

Daniel learned earlier this week that his car is fixed (needed new clutch), and that he could pick it up anytime on Monday. So now someone at Mom’s house has wheels. Mom wishes it were her though. She hates having to ask others to do things for her or take her someplace.

Monday, we’re supposed to get cold temps, ice, snow and/or sleet, and if you don’t have to go out, don’t. I just hope it isn’t a major league ice storm like the one last year. Only good thing is that I won’t miss school.

I didn’t get the money I was expecting on Friday. They don’t tell you that you won’t get what’s left over after paying tuition and fees for another month. Meanwhile every-f’n-thing is overdue. And the unemployment is just as bad. Now they tell me I won’t get my card until next week. After midnight tonight, I can file for another week.

Ain’t life grand? 😛

(Soapbox alert!)

What I wouldn’t give to have a steady, reliable income, a car, and my bills paid on time every month. Finding a job is next to impossible (trust me, I’ve looked. I know I’m not the only one out there pounding the pavement).

It almost makes you lose faith in mankind and in the government that is supposed to be for the people and by the people. The only people getting anything out of this are the rich folks who won’t really miss a thousand bucks missing. I lose a thousand bucks and I’m in the poorhouse.

Personally, I could use a couple mil if the government is just giving it away.

They are just giving it away, just not to the people who need it the most– the ones who are one paycheck or one catastrophe away from complete and utter disaster.

Don’t sit there and read this and think that all I have to do is go get a job. Know how many people are unemployed in this country? Far, far too many. And we’re ALL looking for jobs, doing anything.

This isn’t where I expected to be two months from my 45th birthday, that’s for damn sure!

(Stef steps off soapbox now)

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–

I’m so tired

Sometimes, I just want to give up and let things take their course. If that means my phone bill doesn’t get paid or my rent is late, so be it.

But I can’t do that. Why? Because I’m trying to be responsible and do the right thing.

I just can’t seem to make myself ask for help. I’m tired of being a burden on everyone I know.

I just love the people who tell me stuff like: go to a church, the state, your family for help.

NOT!

For the most part, they haven’t walked in my shoes, and if they have, they’ve forgotten what not being able to live up to your responsibilities is like. Like the guy who “borrowed” money from me some years ago, promising to pay me back, and never did. When I ask him to help me by paying the money back now, he says he doesn’t have it, and he’d give it to me if he could.

But you know what? He could.

I gave the money to him when I really shouldn’t have, when I needed it more than he did, but like a dummy, I did it anyway, because I believed him when he said he’d pay me back.

Now I need it, and he’s nowhere to be found. How convenienent, huh?

I’ve never asked him for anything before. Now that I have, he’s gone to ground. Thanks, pal. Thanks a whole bunch.

=====

I was supposed to go up to Edmond yesterday to look at apartments near UCO, but when Chaz came over, he wanted to do other things, and by the time we were done with those, it was too late to see any apartments, and most of the ones I wanted to see are closed on Sunday.

GRRRR!

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Daniel asked me to get information about Cricket cell phone service last weekend, and I found out a lot about it. He and Jeff and I are going to go in on a plan together, because Daniel decided that he really needs a cell phone, I need a new service because I’m tired of TracFone, and Jeff just wants a new toy, I think.

Of course, he hasn’t been available to tell him about this since we talked about it. It’s either been too late, too early, he’s not home, or the line is busy because his girlfriend has called yet again.

I think I will try to call when I’m done with this post.

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Seems that the Great Commonwealth of Massachusetts is going to pay to send Jon to school. To be an IT guy.

Now why didn’t Jon do that years ago? He has the knowledge to do that kind of work. Why did he take a series of low paying jobs when he could have been doing this all along?

To get out of paying child support, I suspect.

But, that’s another rant for another day.

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I wonder if Larry ever caught the possums living under his sister’s house?

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Okay, I’m done.

For now (heh heh).

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–

I’m watching my pennies

and admittedly, they ain’t worth much. They won’t get the (now overdue) rent paid.

I hate being this broke!

*sigh*

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–

Hey wait, wait a minute Mr. Postman: don’t you bring any GOOD news?

It gets so discouraging getting crap in the mail every single blessed day.

I’m waiting on my incentive check, my degree certificate and my honor roll certificate from Rose. None of those things have yet to materialize in my mail box.

Everyone wants money I don’t have, but the money I’ve been expecting (along with the half of the country who haven’t recieved their incentive checks yet) is taking its sweet time getting here. If they’re not planning to send it, I wish they’d let me know.

All the mail man brings these days is junk.

Some good news though: I do have a job interview tomorrow. How I’m going to get there, I don’t know, especially if Chaz is out of commission. I’ll figure something out.

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–

if you don’t want to see me, just tell me so.

More rain?

Ugh.

Rain = thunderstorms = tornadoes.

How many more little towns in Oklahoma do we have to lose this year?

=====

My neighbor is yelling at no one again.

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Daniel paid $3.67 a gallon for gas this afternoon.

Three dollars and sixty-seven cents a gallon!

WTF is going on here! Who’s getting all this money? Because it’s certainly not me!

I don’t think I can afford to not live closer to UCO. As much as I like living where I am, I’d need a loan just to pay for gas to get from Del City to Edmond and back again.

That’s on top of rent, utilities, and groceries.

All I can do is shake my head.

=====

I need a vacation. Seriously.

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–

Sometimes, my life is so BORING!

I’m not trying to fix a house, or recovering from post surgery problems, or writing about what it means to be a Christian….

I’m just trying to keep up with all my school work and worrying about money.

Just once, I’d like someone to knock on that door on a Sunday and ask if I could spare a couple hours to have some fun. Just once…

Instead…

<sigh>

I have homework.

</sigh>

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–

It’s about friggin time!

Okay, the mess I was in last night was due to someone else’s (not mine for a change!) error, and as of about an hour ago, had been resolved.

Yay.

This has drained me emotionally, because I’m the kind of person who always thinks the worst is going to happen with situations like this. That somehow, someone will find that it’s all my fault and I get what I deserve.

And last night, not knowing what I know now, being homeless scared the hell out of me. And it was something that was out of my control. Now that I am back in control, at least for the moment, I’m a little better.

I just want to go home and go to bed. I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m lucky I can remember my own name sometimes.

At least my outline for Comp II is done, and I have some video I can use on this current project. And I’ve shot a roll of film for Photography for the next assignment (because I thought it was due today, instead of Thursday.)

I need a hug.

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–

😦 did i do something to upset you or are you just busy?

I’m so mad right now I could spit nails!

My little dilemma from last month IS NOT done. They didn’t do a damn thing they said they’d do, and only my whole life depends on it. If it is not fixed by tomorrow, then I will be extremely upset.

This is what will happen if it’s not fixed:

• My rent check will bounce
• My utilities won’t get paid
• And I’ll be broker than broke.

And that’s just this month. I don’t know where my rent for December is going to come from.

This happens right after I get a sarcastic “good luck” from one of my professors who I’m sure would like to see me fail their class. I won’t give them the satisfaction of that. I may not get a great grade out of it, but I’ll be done and won’t have to take anymore of that prof’s classes. When I was having the “dizzies” last week, this prof was the ONLY ONE who did not respond to the email I sent informing them I would be out that day. Just a return eamil telling me what was due when I returned. Maybe I could have had a fighting chance of getting it done.

But they chose not to reply.

But it’s the money thing that scares me the most. I don’t want to move back to Edmond and live with my mom. She made it clear when I returned from Wyoming that I could not live there anymore.

But it’s perfectly okay to spend days upon end there running her errands, then going to school and trying to get stuff done for that.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone I could vent to. It’s times like these that I feel the most alone.

Okay, I’m upset. I realize that. I might think differently once I calm down. But to have all this shit thrown at me day after day is not helping me. I’ll be lucky to get out of this semester with my sanity intact.

God only knows what awaits me when I get home tonight.

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–

Today’s been great so far…

then I came home from school.

Letters, phone calls, asking when this or that is going to get paid.

As if I don’t have enough stress in my life, now I have next to no money to pay anyone with. After the rent (which is late because of that little dilemma from last month) is taken care of, I’ll be lucky to have lights or a working phone.

I need some money and fast! Nothing illegal, immoral or of questionable resources. I’m willing to work hard… and still have enough energy to do homework and have some time for myself. I don’t want to end up at Midwest Regional with a case of exhaustion. That would really suck.

I could sure stand to see a friendly face right about now…

That’s all from where I sit.

–MorelaterZ–